Yes, it’s been quite some time since I’ve updated my narrative, and I suppose now is a better time than any other, i.e 11.22 at night.
Since last time, I moved out of home, I started University, I am shedding some of my skins or perhaps they are just becoming thinner. In short, life happened/ is happening.
I worked two jobs over Summer, actually I think the second job helped me realise how terrible the first one was. I don’t really want to dwell on it, but safe to say I won’t be going back to the hospitality industry in a hurry.
What ultimately drove my decision to go straight to Uni, was my desire to get as much independence from my family as possible. Little Flinders and property for so long have felt like a very stifling and restrictive place for me.
I decided to move into a uni residence, which is great because it’s a max 10 minute walk to class. I’ve met lots of interesting people here in all their tangled glory. It hasn’t all been positive experience, that’s to be expected. I’ve made some intimate, intense friendships with beautiful, kind people and I’ve also lost one due to forces beyond my control. Upsetting but inevitable.
As for academics, Law is tough and Global Studies is very engaging but also difficult to pin down.
As the seasons are changing, I am really starting to miss Summer and the endless tan days. The cold, although something that does not bother me, is already wearing a little thin, even though it’s only May. Right now it’s difficult to articulate everything that’s changed, things aren’t resolved clearly in my mind.
I’ve left a lot of the ways I’ve identified behind me, for example, I realised at the end of School that I’d so long identified as a high-achiever that I didn’t assign much meaning to my education without being so. Which quite frankly, really bothered me, I don’t want my self-worth or my who I am to be boiled down to how I perform in institutionalised structures.
Scouts is also another thing that’s changed. I haven’t been to a meeting since December. It’s in one way very nice to be free of Scouting for a while, but lately, I’ve realised just how much of my identity was formed around it and my relationships. I was with some friends out in Healsville, it just hit me how foreign it felt to be without people who had known me for 10 years. I do have a support network at Uni, but it’s very different and needs much more articulation than the one I had at Scouts and at home.
My friend Jess, is leaving on her gap year in less than 2 weeks and isn’t coming back until October. I’m pretty emotional about this because Jess and I have been through a lot, we’ve been best friends for the last 10 years and there’s barely been a week since we met that we haven’t seen each other at least once. At the same time, I’m really excited for her to be travelling. But it’s so bloody scary to think that we won’t see each other for 6 months.
Life without Scouting, which I think is good for me at the moment, has nevertheless left me feeling overwhelmed by the weightlessness of it.
It’s definitely not to say that I haven’t been seeing my friends from vents, but it’s different now, I live in a different area and everyone else has different things going on in their lives.
On a more cheerful note, I have been doing lots of things this year; I went to my first protest, picnicked at a beautiful dam, White Night, watched Circ Du Soleil, had some excellent late night walks on campus, danced until I dropped, participated in Live Below the Line and so many other things that I can’t remember right now. Enjoy some photos, honestly, I think they’re a better reflection of life over the last 6 months, although I can’t say that it entirely accurate because a lot of my everyday experiences on campus and in halls, I forget to photograph really.
I guess it comes with the territory of uni and moving out of home, but romantically, I’ve had a few encounters. I don’t care to elaborate too much on the internet, but I feel a startling conflict between my desire for intimacy and self-preservation. I’m trying not to be so controlling and analytical, I want intimacy but I think so far the desire for self-preservation is winning out. I don’t want to be that person who disconnects from such vulnerability, but there we have it, I feel like a young Michael from The Cat’s Table.
Anyway, that’s going to be all for now, maybe I’ll have reconciled myself a bit more next time I write (and finished more of my assignments). Its 1am, I’m meant to have a tute in 9 hours (which I haven’t prepared for at all) and to top it all off, I’m going to a Ball with halls friends the same night.
If you’d like to donate to Live Below the Line, the educational charity, then just follow this link. I’d really appreciate your efforts, even $10 can go a long way in changing a child’s educational future.